Halloween Havoc 2013 Day 29: Strippers vs. Werewolves

I hinted at watching this film yesterday, and I figured I would deliver on watching it. I already watched Zombies vs. Strippers so this one should be a walk in the park. How different can it be than that one? I guess it all comes down to the differences between zombies and werewolves. I’m not expecting a classic like The Wolf Man. I’m expecting pure schlock. I am going back to the running commentary today. That means you can live through the horror of this film with me. Of course there will be spoilers. Play me my shitty movie, Netflix!

Seems like a lot of companies went into making this film. I’m never sure if that’s a good or bad thing. It’s 1984 and we are in Basildon. No clue where that is. A place just blew the fuck up with a werewolf howling. I did not expect that. Going into the title sequence now. Netflix is buffering. Grr. Damn you technology! It was right at the title too. BAHAHAHA. “Hungry Like a Wolf” is playing. Perfect. The illustrations during the title sequence are pretty cool. It’s 2011 now. I remember all the way back to 2011. Strippers! She has a sucker in her mouth. This guy is really getting into watching her. He was like convulsing. Oh shit! He’s transforming! She’s not really into her act now. She stabbed him with something. Not the sucker sadly.

The movie is telling me the character names for some reason. I guess there are characters named Jeanette, Harry, and Dani. Add Raven and Brandi to that list. I’ll probably forget their names anyways. We also have Franklin. He finds dead werewolf guy and the girl named Justice. Oh, she stabbed him with a pen. I guess these people are British. It did say they are in London. I wonder if the pen was made of silver. Well, that was the strip club. We are being introduced to werewolves now. Some guy named Richard is tied to a chair and he looks all beat up. These guys seem to be torturing him. The older guy shows Richard the foot of his wife. These guys aren’t very nice. Werewolves named Scott and Carlos are attacking. Did the guy miss with his gun shots or do they not hurt these werewolves? Another werewolf is named Barker. That’s an appropriate name. Carlos is wearing a Freddy Krueger sweater or something like that. It’s weird. Mean old guy is dead now. This pleases Ferris. It’s not his day off. Richard thinks they are there to help him. Too bad. They eat Richard.

Back to the strippers. This film like to be creative with the shots. It goes to split screen at times. It kinda bothers me. Jeanette said stuff to Franklin but I wasn’t paying attention. Carlos really loves being a werewolf. Ferris finds him annoying. Barker is apparently an idiot. Ferris and Scott seem like the smart ones. Jeanette and Franklin are cleaning up the dead werewolf. Ha. He died with a boner. Random shots of strippers doing pole work. Yes, this film does have nudity. Keep the children at home to watch this one. Franklin and Justice are trying to dispose of the body. One stripper saw the body and she’s traumatized. Jeanette compares it to the disaster in 1984 which was at the beginning of the film.

Carlos and Barker are watching some girl strip. Barker is annoying since he’s pretty stupid. Backstage stripper talk. Justice talks to Raven about Raven’s psychic boyfriend or whatever. We get a flashback of Raven talking to him. He doesn’t think he’s good enough for her. I guess he hunts monsters for a living. He has the Sam and Dean Winchester job. I guess they broke up. The split screen shots are so annoying. It’s creative, but it bothers me. Franklin is destroying that werewolf’s body for some reason. Oh no! A wolf is chasing a naked stripper. That damn Barker! The werewolves really get into their team spirit. Mickey is the name of the dead werewolf. That naked stripper was killed by the way.

I think this film is suffering from too many characters. We keep going back and forth between the stripper and werewolves for some reason. Franklin is bickering with the strippers while he puts the dead werewolf in his trunk. I guess Justice is dating Scott bringing the two worlds together. My god! This song playing during this driving scene is horrible. Still a little less than an hour left in this film. Yikes! There’s more happening, but nothing I feel like paying attention to at the moment. More boring crap. You know Zombies vs. Strippers didn’t kid around. It knew what it was. It went straight to the crap. This is just taking it way too slow. There’s a sex scene going on right now. Oh hey, the guy has a pentagram on his body like Larry Talbot in The Wolf Man. I told you that film always has an influence!

Yawn. More boredom. This movie sure is plagued by some bad camera work and annoying music. I think I have zoned out of the last twenty minutes I’ve watched. It’s not interesting! We are fifty minutes into the film and nothing has happened. Random fun fact: The actress, Sarah Douglas, who plays Jeanette was Ursa in Superman II. That’s a much better film than this one. That hunter guy is back. Umm, I still don’t care. I think this is the first running commentary where I stopped giving a shit about the film. Darn British people don’t know how to make fun stripper movies. So some strippers and werewolves have died here and there. Poor Robert Englund is in this film for some reason. I love me some Robert Englund, but why is he in this? I have to admit. He is stealing the show. I can’t look away when he’s onscreen. It makes me want to watch a Nightmare on Elm Street film instead though. I guess there’s some backstory with Tapper Englund and Jeanette Ursa. He thought she died in that explosion in 1984. I think Freddy Krueger is the alpha werewolf or something like that. I can’t believe Robert Englund is 66! He’s still the man!

I kinda forget which character is which at this point; I could have easily have been wrong about some of the character names earlier as well. More bad music and bad stripping scenes. The don’t even strip most of the time. What happened to Robert Englund? The strippers and werewolves are finally fighting now. For some reason they decided to put up a scorecard in case you didn’t know who was winning. Strippers jump out to an early lead. The wolves even up the score though. This fighting isn’t very exciting. Poor Jeanette sacrifices herself to kill Ferris. Another explosion just happened like it did at the beginning of the film. I wasn’t paying attention though. Looks like the strippers survived. I figured they would win. Oh wait! The strippers are all werewolves at the end. Hero werewolves!

Final Thoughts

I did not like this film at all. It’s way too slow. There’s not enough good action. It’s boring! No film called Strippers vs. Werewolves should be boring. It should be full of werewolves fighting strippers. Even when that did happen it was still boring. Best part of this film is Robert Englund. He’s always awesome. His one scene is the only things I recommend about this film. Don’t watch it. Watch Zombies vs. Strippers instead.

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