It’s hard to pass up a film title like Zombies vs. Strippers. I’m expecting total shit from this film. It has to be crap. Maybe I’m wrong. It could be hilarious cheesy crap. That’s crap we can all enjoy! I figure I will do the running commentary today. I’m sure my reactions while watching this will be interesting. Here we go!
Full Moon Features presents this one. That seems appropriate in a way. Such a boring title card. I could do better in Paint. These credits could give someone a seizure. Does a film like this even need credits? I highly doubt George Clooney has an appearance in this film. I wonder if Gravity is a good film. I feel like these credits are way too long. I really shouldn’t complain about credits. We want to know how good the movie is and not if the credits are any good. Alex Nicolaou is our director this evening. I’m sure he’s made other classics.
Finally, the film begins. We are introduced to a guy with a stereotypical porn stache. His license place says I < Hambo. He’s listening some stupid radio station called the Nuts Network. Oh, that silly guy. He got his shirt caught in the door when he got out of his car. He’s a complete asshole to this maybe homeless guy. I assume most guys named Spider are sleazy assholes. He goes inside his strip club. Marvin says business isn’t too great at the moment plus someone is trying to break in. Spider is arguing with some stripper now who apparently doesn’t like that business is down. Spider really likes whatever Hambo is. Maybe it’s a television show or something. I probably missed what they said.
The guy doing the music at the club is a complete stoner named Bernie. Spider says those drugs lower sperm count and he fires Bernie. Bernie likes using vinyl records but they are all scratched and skipping. Spider wants the MP3 put in because that never skips. Bernie doesn’t like the digital sound. I neglected to mention some drunk around during the stripper and Spider conversation named Bobby. Spider gives Bernie another chance because he’s not a complete asshole. Bambi walks out on stage when Bernie announces her. The two guys in the club are passed out. I guess they will become zombies later. Bambi is shaking her boobs at them, but they aren’t reacting. One of them did wake up.
Spider gets Marvin as he goes to talk to Bambi. Bambi is explaining that she was doing her best, but those guys aren’t into it. Spider asks the two men some questions. One guy bites some fingers off of the other guy. Spider wants those weirdos out of there. Spider goes back in the back where I guess his daughter Jasmine works. She’s all over this guy. She does her job well. Spider must be proud. Okay, Spider turned on the television and some weirdo dressed like a pig is on surrounded by kids. OHHHHHHH!!!!! This is Hambo! Hambo seems like a weird pervert throwing eggs on kids. Spider thinks it is hilarious. The TV went out! Only the news is coming in which Spider does not seem to enjoy. Spider’s club is losing money. He tells this to his Hambo statue. The news is talking about people starting to act weird.
Marvin is dealing with the two zombie guys from earlier. He’s not having any luck. Haha. Spider was on the phone making a deal, but his response to Marvin was hilarious just the way he said, “GET OUT OF HERE I’M ON THE PHONE!” Spider, Marvin, and two strippers go outside to see the zombies. They find Vanilla outside beating up the men. Vanilla is another stripper and she’s the sassy black one. Spider goes in to make an announcement to everyone. The stripper from earlier is named Sugar. Of course. She starts arguing with Jasmine and then argues with Vanilla. Spider announces he has sold the strip club. I should point out the place is called The Titty. Bambi doesn’t want Spider to sell since she needs money for veterinarian school. Nobody seems happy about the place being sold. I could see why. Nobody is around the place. Spider wants to party now, but everyone is still sad like Marvin.
Marvin isn’t sad now. He’s got Jasmine, Vanilla, and Bambi all over him. Some guy just showed up. He says it’s anarchy outside and gets into a fight with Marvin. Marvin gets beat up. He’s probably sad again. Lol. This guy has a band called Nancy Reagan’s Vagina. That’s a great name! This guy only came into the strip club because he said he saw the “foxy black chick” kicking butt outside and it made him hard. Well then. Spike is this guy’s name. We have Spike and Spider. I wonder if those are real names. Spider and Marvin want to take all of Spike’s money. The strippers seem to like Spike, but Marvin doesn’t like him. Spider seems excited though. He proclaims the place is back in business!
Vanilla is dancing onstage for Spike. He’s throwing money at her pretty quickly. She didn’t even do much! She swung around the pole a couple times. Haha, he threw a dollar in her afro. Oh shit! The zombies are coming! They hear the music at The Titty. They want to eat! Sugar and Spider talk about Spike. Sugar notices he throws around his money easily. Spider offers to take Sugar out if The Titty goes under. Spider allowed the zombies to come inside! Bad movie, Spidey! They want brains! That’s a very cliche line to give a zombie, but that is about what I expect from this film. It’s time to fight this zombies off. Sugar seems to hold her own. Dumb Marvin got bit. He’s not very good at fighting. They beat down the zombies and throw their bodies out. Marvin is feeling the effects of being bitten.
Spike is happy about the sex and violence of the place. Marvin is still complaining about his hand. Bernie wants the police called, but Spike and Vanilla don’t want any cops. Spider agrees to no cops. I wonder if that will bite them in the ass. Some other guy is in this place. He seems to have money since he has a suit. Sugar and Vanilla were all over him. He makes a racist crack at Vanilla and she threatened him lol. Jasmine has to leave Marvin because she’s called up to the stage. His poor hand! Spike is having sex with Bambi who loves animals. Jasmine is on stage while the one guy who came in is watching. I wonder if Jasmine’s boobs are real. I’m leaning towards no, but I have no idea.
Spider is trying to make a call, but he’s getting no service. Sugar comes to talk to him. Spider can’t decide if he wants to sell or not. He turns Hambo back on to help his decision. Hambo is getting attacked by zombies on the television lol. Spider sees this as a bad sign. The news lady also gets attacked by zombies. Spider wants to leave town with Sugar right now. Outside, some guys with guns are shooting zombies. They come in The Titty. There are three of them. One of them has to talk through his throat like Ned on South Park. The leader of the group is Red Wings, throat guy is Rudy, and the other guy is Goon. Red Wings says the obnoxious music in the club is attracting the zombies.
Red Wings has the music turned off and he is taking control of the club. Bobby pulls out a shotgun to stand the three Gravediggers (that’s their name) down. Red Wings has to explain that the walking dead is outside. Fluid transmission is how the virus is being passed. Marvin is infected. They should probably shoot him, but Jasmine wants to give him a lap dance first. A large horde of zombies find their way into the club. Everyone is grabbing what they can to smack these things around. Rudy just shocked a guy with bad special effects lol. Bernie made the poor mistake of trying to have a joint with one of the zombies. He got bit for his troubles. Dumb Jasmine is still hanging aground with Marvin who hasn’t fully turned yet. One guy gets bit while distracted by Bambi’s boobs. The blood goes all over her. They fight off the zombies. Red Wings shoots the guy that got bit. I guess it was Goon who got shot. Poor Goon.
Red Wings is giving a loud speech about how one single bite is all it takes. Jasmine is still talking with stupid Marvin. I guess she’s going with that lap dance after all. Rudy is still delivering one liners through his voice thing. Spike and Bambi go to get Bambi some clothes to wear. The blood on her boobs look isn’t working. Bernie turned the music back on since he’s a zombie. Red Wings shoots at him, but he runs out of bullets. He attacks Marvin but Vanilla puts a shoe through his head. Damn those heels. They decide to build a barricade after some quick arguing.
Spike and Bambi are making out. She’s dressed like a slutty nun now. She wants to get married haha. Meanwhile, Jasmine is being a complete idiot. Everything Marvin says she takes as being sexual. He’s actually dying lol. The one guy argued with the group inside. I don’t remember his name. He ran outside, but the horde got him. Red Wings says there is no time to mourn for fools. Red Wings got his name for having sex during a woman’s period. I’m glad we got to know that. Jasmine is still riding on Marvin, and she’s talking stupid. Marvin is a zombie now. She’s about to give him a blowjob and she asks him to say one nice thing about him before doing it. He says brains! She takes this as a compliment, and then he bites her face off. I laughed probably a good minute before typing that. I’m still laughing about it. I had to pause the movie to contain myself.
Spider and Sugar are talking about the barricade not holding. Spider wants to reinforce the barricade since leaving is too risky. Spider says they will leave in the daylight tomorrow. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA Zombie Jasmine is still riding on Marvin. Spider and Sugar find Spike and Bambi having sex again. She’s not being a good nun! OH SHIT! Hambo is at the door. Spider can’t bring himself to hurt Zombie Hambo. Marvin finally is away from Jasmine. Spider doesn’t mind hitting him lol, but he won’t hurt Hambo. Red Wings makes sexual innuendos with Vanilla before Spike and Bambi show up to help. Red Wings smells that they had sex. He says after all this they will have to repopulate since everyone is a zombie. Zombie Jasmine bites him though before Vanilla can have sex with him seventy-six ways when it’s all over. Vanilla kills Jasmine and Red Wings. I believe only five people remain.
Spider wants to know what would Hambo do. Sugar says Hambo would eat him while Hambo is banging on the door. Spider is being all nice to Sugar, and I guess he loved her. Too bad Hambo knocked the door over on Spider and started biting him. Sugar lights them on fire and gets the hell out of there. Poor Spider was killed by his idol. What a shame! The final four debate what to do. Sugar gives a speech about how strippers need to give them all they got. She tells them to put on some music. Thankfully, Spike has a CD from his band! The zombies are coming into the club in bulk. One of them is dressed like Michael Jackson in the “Thriller” video. Vanilla beats him up while making Michael Jackson jokes. Bambi gets the CD in, but it doesn’t play right away. A zombie pulls off her top and bites her ass. The music finally plays. Spike jumps into the zombies and that’s just a dumb idea. The three strippers left are surrounded. They are armed with shoes and darts. Sugar starts dancing on the poles to beat up the zombies.
Vanilla and Bambi take Red Wing’s keys to get the hell out of town since it is getting light out. Sugar is being torn to pieces. They have her legs and hands. That poor girl. Vanilla starts up Red Wing’s motorcycle and she leaves with Bambi. The film pretty much ends with a closeup of the bite mark on Bambi’s ass. I guess that’s how the virus will spread to the next town. Sucks to be Vanilla.
Ha. Well, it was a decent watch. It did provide me with some laughs. The acting was what I expected. The zombies sucked. The artwork on Netflix shows them looking much cooler. The best scene is Jasmine getting her face bit off. So funny! It’s complete schlock. Schlock is not a bad thing. This film has a place in the world. It’s not a classic. It is not even that good. I got some entertainment though and that is all I can ask for with a film titled Zombies vs. Strippers. I recommend it for anyone who wants to turn their brains off to watch a movie.
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