It’s a rare condition this day in age to watch any shows with Jaleel White in it. Too bad. I love Jaleel White. Jaleel White is known for his role as nerdy Steve Urkel on the show Family Matters. He played many other characters on the show too like Stefan Urquelle, Myrtle Urkel, OG Urkel, Elvis Urkel, and Bruce Lee Urkel to name a few. The man has great acting range, so why is he never cast in anything. I’d put him in all my movies if I was a director. Thankfully, the good people who made Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus had the right idea, and they hired our man Jaleel. So how will this shark film stack up with the rest? Come on this journey with me to find out! Don’t forget to do the Urkel Dance while I watch this film.
I should have known this was an Asylum film. They need to work on their title cards. I am glad they had the decency to put Jaleel White’s name first…..wait a minute…..The Doctor from Star Trek: Voyager is in this film too. Good! I love Robert Picardo. The Asylum is going to the C list for this film. We start the film in a cave. These black guys are searching for stuff for this white guy. He insults them, and he is an overall assclown. We hear some sort of monster and the black guys going running. The really CGI crocosaurus appears and eats the white man. Good.
Meanwhile on the USS Gibson, Urkel is looking for sharks. Imagine if Urkel was ever let into the military. It reminds me of that episode of Family Matters when Urkel almost blows up the army with a grenade. Urkel is using sound to repel the shark. Sound did work in another film I watched recently. Looks like the Urk man has himself a girlfriend. It doesn’t look like Laura Winslow. Wait, that’s not Urkel. He looks more like Stefan Urquelle. I could call him by his actual name in the film: Terry McCormick. Terry’s boss seems to be an asshole. He won’t believe that the megalodon is still alive. Terry knows he’s wrong, but he still gets yelled at by the boss. Thankfully, his woman consoles him.
Terry Urkel is walking around the boat with badass heroic music playing. He’s the hero we deserve. LOLLLLLLLL A giant shark just jumped over the boat in all its CGI glory. Oh damn. Urkel’s woman was killed. Poor Terry. He’s so sad. He’s not going to get that good time she promised him later. The CGI shark fin looks so fucking terrible. I’ve seen internet reviewers with special effects better than this. Urkel McCormick is changing his outfit. I hope he goes for Elvis Urkel. Damn. I’d so watch a movie called Elvis Urkel vs. Crocosaurus. Back on land we get some Indiana Jones wannabe walking around. Something is chasing him too. Oh, it was like a boar. Not quite as exciting as a mega shark. He goes into some place and talks with this bartender guy who speaks French. Some girl with glasses come in and all the men look at her. She recognizes our fake Indy as Nigel….umm Thornberry? No, Nigel Putnam. He’s not interested in the girl’s offer to catch a mysterious creature. The creature has killed 34 men already. Gulp.
Nigel and glasses girl are on a helicopter now. She asks Nigel about his work in searching for creatures and stuff. He doesn’t answer like a dick. Nigel doesn’t like the things these people like this girl do. I wonder if she’s a member of the racist white people who hire black guys from the beginning of the film. Miss Legatt offers to pay Nigel some money and he tells her about weird monsters he’s had to deal with. Nothing surprises Nigel anymore. He even tells her that she’s standing in a giant footprint. Heh. Nigel is searching for some clues as poor Miss Legatt falls in some mud and has problems with the crocodiles. She also has another problem of standing on the head of the crocosaurus who flips her into the air and eats her. It’s almost as funny as it sounds. The big croc goes after Nigel, but he’s crafty enough to somehow avoid getting eaten. The monster looked like he ate him. Nigel must be made of poison or something because he knocked the croc out.
The crocosaurus is taken to some place where this guy and an idiot named Louis work. This guy is trying to get money from Nigel. He didn’t kill any crocosaurus. I would’t give him shit. Back to Urkel, he was the only survivor on the boat he was on out of 252 people. That Urkel is crafty. Oops, I guess Terry’s sound plan actually attracted the megalodon. Urkel’s plans always backfire. Just ask Carl Winslow. Some agent lady is telling Terry McCormick that they are searching for the shark. They want to kill it. Urkel wants to help because he needs to because he feels guilty.
Those two guys from earlier are back: Jean and Louis. They are with a crocosaurus egg. I have no clue where that came from. The crocosaurus is still around too but knocked out. Nigel tells Jean that the big croc was just protecting her eggs. The mega shark is circling their boat. Is the fight about to being? I’m so excited. Their boat is too slow to get away from the shark. That have to drop the crocosaurus back in the water to get moving. Urkel Terry is back hanging with the military. Admiral Robert Picardo is in charge with his cigar. He really wants to smoke his cigar. Robert Picardo is Admiral Calvin. He’s read the Starfleet profile on Steve Urkel. It’s filled with disaster. He thinks Terry’s shark knowledge will help with their mission. Admiral Calvin tells Agent Hutchinson (girl agent from earlier) that another attack has been made.
Nigel and company have washed up on shore. I guess they survived their ordeal with the shark. It appears Louis has died. He won’t be missed. Nigel agrees with that sentiment. Jean doesn’t seem as happy. Nigel goes to a bar and he runs into Agent Hutchinson. She wants to know about his mega shark story. He actually tells her about the crocs. She didn’t know about the giant crocosaurus. She demands him to come with her and he uses this time to hit on her. She didn’t seem happy. She has him handcuffed and put in her helicopter. Admiral Calvin has been trying to track the shark, but his monitor shows something moving faster. That would be the croc.
Some fisherman is enjoying his day when the crocosaurus finds him. He is eaten in a very uninspiring way. Give me some funnier deaths! Nigel comes into the military base. He’s mean to Urkel. Nigel is a bit of a dick. I hope he dies later. Urkel doesn’t like him either. He believes Nigel to be a con and a cheat. Urkel has some funny line deliver. “We can’t be looking for a megalodon and a prehistoric crocodile.” Funny man! Admiral Calvin sends Terry and Agent Hutchinson to help Nigel look at some eggs to see if the are shark or croc eggs. Terry and Nigel go back a long time. Nigel criticizes his past while Terry whines a little. Lol. Nigel says there is more brother in him than Terry. Agent Hutchinson yells at both of them. Nigel keeps hitting on her.
The agent and Nigel head into a cave. I don’t trust caves. I’d be certain a crocosaurus would be in there. While searching for the eggs, the shark is seen out in the distance. Nigel is angry that the military is going to take his eggs. He thinks they belong to him! That douche! The embarrassing CGI shark jumps out of the water as they fly their helicopter away. The crocosaurus also makes an appearance. The military has brought in fighter planes to blow them all straight to hell. Some of the eggs are destroyed. The crocosaurus will not be happy. Shit, they are bringing in military forces from everywhere. The military has sent in the USS Reliant. They should have sent the Defiant instead. Captain Sisko could have helped The Doctor. This review is full of nerdy Star Trek and Family Matters references.
The crocosaurus is in like a city now. I don’t know why she’s not at sea. She’s attacking cars and news helicopters. The croc sent the one helicopter into the Orange Bowl in Miami. How the hell did the croc make it to Miami? I thought they were at some island somewhere. Now they are calling the Turkey Point Nuclear Facility. Are they going to nuke these things? I guess they need an arc flash. Yay for electrical explosions. They should just nuke the damn things. Oh look, it’s free willy! Oh no! The croc at them. This crocosaurus sure is on the move. Their attempts at electrocution are failing. Wait, it did go back to the water. They should have just drugged the damn thing like Nigel did earlier.
I lost my train of thought, but Nigel was being a douche with Urkel and The Doctor Admiral. An actual doctor is checking one of those eggs. I’d run if I was her. The shark comically just jumped in the air with the boat in its mouth. I don’t think that is scientifically possible. I think the ship would have snapped in half. Terry and Nigel discuss plans of what to do. Nigel suggests using the Panama Canal. Terry doesn’t like the idea, but they go with it since Admiral Calvin says it’s cool. He just has to tell the President first. The plan is to get the eggs and put them in the canal to draw in the croc. Urkel’s device will bring the shark. I think that’s the plan. I just want my mega shark vs. crocosaurus fight that it mentions in the title.
They reach the Panama Canal to get their plans going. Urkel is still unsure of his plans. Both monsters are coming to the area. Is the fight about to happen?! Oh shit! Urkel has a gun and he’s on the run! That’s what we want more of and…..oh….they are back in that damn helicopter. If you like helicopters, this is the film for you. The shark just jumped in the air and knocked a fighter jet into the water. Damn. Sucks to be that guy. The croc is walking on land for some reason while the shark is just jumping around. Oh, the crocosaurus went back to the water. The fighter jets are blowing shit up. Not sure if it’s doing any good. I think the croc and shark are fighting underwater. It’s so dark I can hardly see it. Lame! Oh, they are on land now! Fight! Fight! Fight! Too bad they destroyed Panama. Oh well.
Blah! More underwater fighting. The CGI isn’t good enough for that shit. This movie could have really used guys in rubber suits. Those fights look way better. I guess the crocosaurus has been making hundreds to thousands of eggs. Well fuck! That’s a shitload and they are hatching. Nuke them! That’s what I would do! Some poor bastard is out surfing. He’s a goner. The shark is heading to Hawaii to kill some eggs or something. Admiral Calvin wants to nuke the bastards. He’s a smart guy. I like him. Lots of volcanic activity around Hawaii. It’s drawing the shark in while these poor bastards are stuck in a submarine with a shark around. That mega shark wants some food!
I do believe the shark at the sub. Oh, it was a nuclear sub! Urkel and Nigel argue some more, but Calvin sides with the Urk this time. The croc has hit land in Hawaii. This is why I live in the Midwest. The eggs have hatched and are all over the place. The croc damages the helicopter with Urkel, Nigel, and Agent Hutchinson. That poor helicopter lasted so long. Urkel is having PTSD thinking that Hutchinson is his fiance. They leave her on the helicopter to die. The two men head to shore. They watch the crocosaurus do stuff. The underwater shots are bad. Maybe it’s just my television. Urkel is on the run with his gun again. Nigel is shooting at a croc. EXPLOSION!!!! They fly in front of explosion to look cool.
The shark and croc are fighting underwater again so I can’t see what’s going on. Fighter planes are dropping bombs, but they have to be careful. The shark has that nuke inside. Urkel and Nigel are going into the water on a shitty boat. Admiral Calvin ripped his cigar in half. Damn, he was looking forward to smoking that! Urkel is using his machine to do something to the shark. He wants it to go to a volcano or something. Nigel says it’s working. Both monsters are still fighting, but I can’t see any of it! DAMN IT! I WANT TO SEE THE FIGHTING!!!! Oh. Agent Hutchinson is still alive. The helicopter lives! They explode the nuke I think and all the crocs die. I guess that means the shark dies too. Admiral Calvin gets to smoke his cigar after all! He seems to be enjoying it. Agent Hutchinson picks up Urkel and Nigel. They all talk and make jokes. Urkel even says, “What a croc!” That’s it. The credits are rolling.
It was kinda boring. Really disappointing. I was expecting so bad it’s good. It never got to that point. It had some funny lines. The acting was passable. The best being Robert Picardo as Admiral Calvin to me. The effects are laughable. I was expecting that. The fights with the mega shark and crocosaurus were so disappointing. Most of the time I couldn’t see it happening. It really brought down the quality of the film for me. Most of the deaths sucked too. I usually want some really cheesy over the top deaths in a film like this. That never happened. They fucked up! I wouldn’t recommend this film. Only watch if you love Jaleel White and Robert Picardo.
- 12 Awesome Pieces of Steve Urkel Merchandise You Need In Your Life (buzzfeed.com)
- A Look Inside the 1997 Family Matters Writers Retreat (somethingawful.com)
- Sharknado and other terrible monster movies (irkitated.com)
- Charles Barkley Mugshot Arrested for Dui & Partying With Urkel (binside.typepad.com)