Halloween Havoc 2013 Day 10: Apollo 18


….Space…..the final frontier….this is the voyage of Apollo 18 and it’s mission to do something. I don’t know. I haven’t watched the movie yet. I remember the preview for it when it came out. I thought it looked pretty lame. I’m going to find out if I was correct in that assumption today. I know it’s a found footage film, and I usually don’t care for those too much. This could be the film to sway me! I’m going to explore this strange new film and boldly go where no man has gone before!

History lesson! Neil Armstrong landed on the moon. Apollo missions 18 to 20 were canceled. That’s unfortunate. This means Apollo 17 was the last mission. In 2011, they found footage I guess of Apollo 18. It’s hard to tell since the damn print is so damn hard to read! I am glad they edited the film from that found footage. I’d hate to watch the whole thing which would be fucking boring. We are introduced to John Grey who cooks out with his friends. His friend named Ben apparently cooks bad. Where did they get this home footage of people? Was that important to have for this Apollo trip? They are talking about a bunch of ships and shit I don’t care about. Those damn Soviets are being mentioned. Benjamin Anderson who cooks bad is going to the moon with John and the other guy named Nate. Good for them. Ben was always first in the class, so he’s the smart guy. Do it for America!!!! Blast those astronauts off! Right to the moon!!!

They are flying over Earth now and making small talk about their families. The three men play in the gravity and overall are having a good time. This film in general is shot weirdly. I know they are probably trying to make it look like this footage is from the 1970s, but it’s not quite working for me. They are riding around the moon right now trying to land. It appears they are having some complications. They should have cut down the footage they found just a little bit more especially since they landed safely. This is apparently day one of a two day mission. It’s not a long journey to the moon. We never go to the moon anymore. We should! Maybe we never really went! It could be a space station and not actually a moon!

Ben is walking on the surface. He’s in a space suit of course. This isn’t Power Rangers where everyone can breathe on the moon. Ben is just goofing around taking pictures with the American flag and his picture with his kids. Oh shit! Something flew by the camera! About time we got some shit happening. You know you never see big name actors in these found footage films. Where is Leonardo DiCaprio when I need him? I don’t even like Leo that much, but I would laugh if he was in this film. Back to the film, a couple guys are finding samples on the moon like a crater. The cameras are catching weird things or glitches. I’m not too sure. They made funny noises though.

Ben’s son is talking. I guess Ben has a tape recorder of him. The one guy is divorced. I think it was Nate. He talks about dipping his balls in milk because of jalapenos or something. More glitches on the cameras as they sleep. Funny noises too. Two of the men actually hear the noises. The folk back at NASA say they will look into it. We see like a little creature moving I guess. Their alarm clocks go off and it’s time for day two. NASA says they took care of the disturbance. Cheap scare of guy waking up! How annoying! Oh joy, a guy is shaving now. Woo! Wait, a sample is missing! What could have taken it?! So it’s been five days since takeoff, but it’s day two on the moon. Okay, I got that figured out.

Oh no! They found tracks that aren’t their tracks. More camera glitches. More tracks and spaceship! Their first guess is Russian. Of course! Those damn Soviets are behind everything. Oh, it actually is Soviet since it has their colors and symbols. I was hoping it was an alien vessel. The Soviet vessel has taken a beating. The question is where are the damn Russians! Lots of blood! They could be dead Russians! This guy decides to check a crater. You wouldn’t catch me going in that crater. I’m not an idiot. The other guy is telling him to get out of there. BWAH! Scary dead Russian haha. Very predictable scare. Poor Russian had a rip in this uniform. That’s always a problem in space. The American astronauts don’t feel too comfortable with these dead bodies around. They relay the information about the Soviets to NASA who didn’t know the Soviets had been to the moon. Well, they might have. NASA is full of liars. I’m surprised NASA let them use their name for this film.

Nothing happening at the moment. Everyone is sleeping again while the camera moves. More glitches! Oh no! The American flag is gone! Who would take the flag! Damn communists! They actually accuse the Soviets at first. That’s not the best guess in the world. NASA did know that the Soviets were up there. Those buttheads. Their intelligence says that only one cosmonaut was on the Soviet mission. I doubt that one dead guy stole the flag. Time to go home! They fly the plane off the moon and live happily ever after….no…that didn’t happen. They got stopped before they could leave. Damn those dead Soviets are crafty. No more communications. Bye bye, NASA!

I don’t believe this film was shot on location. They faked the moon movie! Their ship is pretty damaged now. It’s at this point our astronauts should realize they are fucked. Evidence of extraterrestrial contact! The tracks aren’t human according to Nate. They found the flag. It doesn’t look too well. Poor Old Glory! Oh shit! The guy has something in his helmet! He’s fucked! It looked like sort sort of ugly spider creature maybe. It was only shown for a second. That would be a pretty lame alien. His buddy asks if he needs oxygen. I’m surprised he isn’t dead yet since he had that thing in his helmet. They seem to have stabilized him. He’s not sure what happened. Hell, he’s not answering.

John who has been floating above on his craft says he can’t reach the other two. I guess I didn’t get that. I thought they were all together down there. My mistake. Now it makes since why John said he was jealous earlier. He should feel lucky right now. NASA and John can’t reach the two men. He doesn’t remember the alien thing inside his helmet. Maybe he’s possessed. He’s bleeding! He has a big old cut. I’m enjoying some great rolls from Texas Roadhouse. I suggest eating there when you can. So Ben is pulling something out of Nate’s cut. It looked bad. Whatever it was. It’s some black thing. The guy says it looks like one of his sample but then it blew up which contaminated the entire ship.

Ben believes those aliens are what is jamming their signals. No shit! Now they are suspecting NASA sent them up there to see what shit was going down. Guinea pigs? Who know?! White Zombie was a pretty damn good movie. Poor Nate is being infected more by whatever was in him. This movie is too long. I’ve been feeling the length since the fifteen minute mark. Nate is truly believing NASA are a bunch of liars at the moment. Nate is talking about dying and shit. Ben should murder him. It’s not worth having him around anymore.

Well, the old oxygen levels are running low. Ben knows they are as good as dead. Praying to God isn’t going to help! He’s not in space! Nate’s infection is pretty big. Ben believes the same thing happened to the Russian. Nate wants him to kill him. I’d oblige. Killing him would be the best option. Nate is making weird faces at the camera like he has an alien inside of him. Some crab looking shadow went by the camera. I miss those giant crabs from Attack of the Crab Monsters. I wish I was watching that movie right about now. Nate freaked out. Back to John on his ship, he’s still trying to reach the other guys. I think he should give up and leave them. He’s considering it. Ben is trying to reach him, but he’s not getting any responses.

Why are they space walking again? Was it unsafe in their ship? I guess. Driving away is the best plan. Nate is very pessimistic about everything. Someone fell and cracked their helmet. I guess it was Nate. Too bad! Nate has vanished! I should point out that there was a quick shot of an alien bug thing again. Ben wants to take the Soviet ship out of there now. He found Nate who warns him to stay away. Nate gets dragged into that crater from earlier. He’s fucked! Alien noises! How creepy. That’s sarcasm. Ben decides it is time to get the hell out of there. He’s trying to get that Soviet ship going. He doesn’t even know Russian. I assume he doesn’t. He’s using their radio to try to reach someone, but he’s having no luck again. Ben should try to commit suicide, but some Soviet guy just answered him. Now the Deputy Secretary of Defense is communicating with him now. NASA has decided to let him die. They can’t bring him home. It’s too risky. I saw this coming. I don’t blame them. He could be contaminated. They said they will tell his family that he died a hero though. That’s nice of them. Ben has to throw that sad moment in where he listens to his son’s recording. He constantly plays his son, “love you.” It’s actually kinda sad.

John finally makes contact with Ben. Ben tells him that NASA left him to die. He says those bastards knew about it the whole time. John wants to save Ben. Ben is going to try and fly that Soviet machine. Nate is back! He’s all evil and talking like a demon alien thing . Too bad! Ben was getting that thing to fly. A bunch of ugly looking crab aliens are in Nate’s helmet and the helmet broke. Nate is finally dead. I hope. Ben is flying that Soviet ship again. NASA is telling John to not save Ben. It’s a direct order since he is contaminated. NASA tells John that they won’t communicate with him anymore if he saves Ben. Those assholes! John and Ben are pretty fucked. Ben is especially fucked! He has crab aliens all over him infecting him. He’s playing too fast! He slammed into John’s ship. It was nice knowing them. They are dead. Apollo 17 was the last lunar shuttle. NASA made up fake death records for all of them. Random John F. Kennedy clip about landing on the moon. Some crap about rock samples and the film is thankfully over.

Final Thoughts

I’m pretty sure I hated this film. My initial assumptions did indeed prove to be true. I didn’t find the main characters too interesting. The scares all fell flat. Hell, it wasn’t scary at all. I have watched romantic comedies that gave me bigger scares. The aliens sucked. The alien from The Man from Planet X looked hokey, but he had a charm to him. These dumb spider crab aliens just seem lazy to me. The real villain of the film is NASA. Did the writers have something against NASA? I do because they have their name in this shitty film. Go watch Space Camp if you want a better NASA film. This one sucks. No recommendation for Apollo 18.


2 thoughts on “Halloween Havoc 2013 Day 10: Apollo 18

  1. […] Halloween Havoc 2013 Day 10: Apollo 18 (thegreatnodnarb.wordpress.com) […]

  2. […] Halloween Havoc 2013 Day 10: Apollo 18 (thegreatnodnarb.wordpress.com) […]

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