Halloween Havoc 2013 Day 2: Troll 2

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We are back for day 2 of Halloween Havoc. The good people of Netflix added Troll 2 to their movie list, so I figured I’d give this film a watch. I’ve never actually watched Troll 2 all the way. I have watched all the silly scenes on youtube and caught a little of the Rifftrax, but this is the first time I have the pleasure of watching it. Let’s get into it.

My goodness are those goblin suits horrible. Most people should know there are no trolls in this movie by now. The misleading title is part of the charm to Troll 2. The film begins with a grandpa telling his grandson a story. It’s very Princess Bride. That’s a much better movie. A film with a giant goblin Andre the Giant would be awesome. There’s a Darryl Strawberry pennant on the wall. So the beginning of the film basically establishes the goblin lore. Oh wait, the grandson was talking to ghost grandpa. I guess he died six months ago. I don’t recall reading his obituary. I wonder if they have to pay for the use of that Tazmanian Devil stuffed animal. There seems to be a lot of product placement actually. I think I even spotted a Smurf.

George Hardy should have been given an Academy Award for this film. He’s clearly an acting genius. I should mention he plays the father. I’m too lazy to remember their names. This kid is really freaked out by goblins. He hasn’t even seen one yet, but these stories by ghost grandpa have really screwed him up. The sister and her boyfriend are introduced next. They are pretty terrible actors, but that could be because of the poor dialogue. Fuck, the sister can’t act. Is she even trying? She speaks in the same tone with every line. On to the trip to Nilbog now. Yeah yeah, Nilbog is goblin backwards. How are these people so bad at acting!!! Oh god, they are singing Row Row Row your Fucking Boat now!!!! Shit, there is still over an hour left in this movie. Why did I think this was a good idea?

The boyfriend and his friends are taking a camper to Nilbog. Oh good. Maybe Jason Voorhees can wreck that one like he did in Jason Lives. The kid is having a weird goblin inspired daydream. I’ll give the kid props for letting them put all that shitty makeup on him. Joshua is the kid’s name. I decided to learn it after all. He made his parents stop on the road so he could talk to ghost grandpa. Ghost grandpa warns them to turn back, but then he turns into a homeless hitchhiker or something.

The family arrives in Nilbog. All the residents seem to have a little symbol on their body that only Joshua notices. Lol, one of the Nilbog kids threw a ball at Joshua that said, “Eat before we eat you.” They seem like a trustworthy bunch. The good people of Nilbog left them some hospitality with some food! Ghost grandpa warns Joshua to not let the family eat the food. Somehow he stops time. Joshua must think quickly to stop his family from eating the food. What will he do?! He pisses on all the food! How the hell did he do that? You can’t piss on hospitality!!!! George Hardy won’t allow it!!! You tighten up that belt, George!

Hey Arnold spots a girl running in the woods. Hey Arnold is one of the friends riding with the boyfriend in the camper. I’m calling him Hey Arnold because someone said, “Hey, Arnold” to him. Goblins find the girl and Arnold. Arnie says he will take care of them. He apparently has no reaction to these things and calls them dwarfs. He gets a nice spear thrown at him for his trouble. Helga Pataki would never allow that to happen to Arnold. The girl and Arnold head into a house where some weird lady lives. She says her ancestors come from Stonehenge. This film could use some Spinal Tap. The evil lady gives the girl something to drink and she stupidly drinks it. Very big lack of common sense on her part. Poor Arnold is frozen, and he’s also giving the acting performance of his life in showing his emotion over it. The girl turns into a weird vegetable thing and the goblins come out to feist. “They’re eating her….and then they’re going to eat me…..OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Random sister dance scene now. Her dancing is about as bad as mine when I dance in the mirror. She’s cutting a promo about her boyfriend in the mirror now. Is she challenging him to a match at Wrestlemania? Ghost grandpa accepts the challenge. The sister actually sees him which prompts her to yell to her family. Joshua seems happy about this, but George Hardy wonders if sister Holly has been smoking dope. He’s quite the caring father. Joshua calls to ghost grandpa Seth who appears in the mirror. He warns Joshua that this is the kingdom of the goblins. Joshua wants to know why he doesn’t talk to his parents, but he says Joshua’s mom never listened to him which is why she got stuck with George Hardy.

Still over fifty minutes left in this movie. I think people have overrated how good this film is. Well, nobody says this is a good film. They do say it’s so bad it is hilarious. I’m leaning towards it just being bad with a few funny scenes here and there. Now The Room is a good bad movie. I guess I should pay attention to the film again. A sheriff picked up on of the camper kids and fed him something. All food in Nilbog is bad for you. He dropped him off at the store with a bunch of creepy dudes around. The poor kid has been looking for women. He can’t even get any good food at the store. Everyone in Nilbog is a Veterinarian, but they love Nilbog milk.

We catch up with Hey Arnold. He is being turned into a tree. That’s unfortunate. George Hardy and Joshua arrive at the store where everyone seems to be gone now. Joshua finally figures out that Nilbog is goblin backwards. I should have watched Digimon. The kid that went to the store earlier decided to drink the Nilbog milk he was given. He doesn’t seem to enjoy it very much. Creepy lady goes to visit the mom and brings her food. That’s not suspicious or anything when she says the sister is appetizing. I should have watched the first Troll. At least that film has Harry Potter in it.

The goblins grab Joshua who had been wondering around. They try to feed him bad ice cream to eat him, but George Hardy comes to save the day. Joshua explains Nilbog backwards and the weird clovers on them. George doesn’t seem to know what to think of this. I’d be in my car on the way out of town. So the poor guy that has been given Nilbog milk and bad food ends up in weird woman’s house. Hey Arnold is still there as a tree who can still somewhat talk. Well, he can make noises. Wait, now he can talk since Drew as he is called takes something off his mouth. Drew tries to get Arnold out, but the creepy lady knocks him out. She then chainsaws Hey Arnold who laughs for some reason as she does it. Maybe it’s like that episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where Captain Picard starts laughing when he gets stabbed.

The Nilbog folk come to their house and throw a party. If a large group of people came to my house and threw a party, I would be pissed off. George Hardy seems to enjoy it though. Joshua tries to call for ghost grandpa, but he gets creepy lady in the mirror instead. Fuck, a goblin busted out of the mirror too. Ghost grandpa stopped it though. This is a strange movie. Is ghost grandpa arming the kid with Molotov cocktails now? I’ll roll it. Macaulay Culkin would have murdered all these goblins by now. One of the bad guys takes away the thing from Joshua, and he banishes ghost grandpa away. Ghost grnadpa gets the last laugh though and he lights him on fire which kills him revealing his goblin form. Even George Hardy sees it. The other goblins aren’t too pleased by this. About that time they run like hell. Ha. I wrote that and that’s exactly what they did.

Creepy lady is hamming it up Rita Repulsa style asking for magic powers. She should make her goblins grow instead. I guess she decided to make herself pretty instead. When Rita did that, she made Finster do it for her. The goblins sure are taking their time trying to kill this family. They don’t like to kill violently though since it leaves meat in their food. That’s why they try to feed them weird shit. Time for weird corn on the cob scene in the camper! It leads to popcorn all over the place. It makes no sense, but then again nothing in this movie does.

The family try to summon ghost grandpa Seth. It’s not going well as goblin sheriff fires his gun and spouts off angry things. Oh, they summoned the voice of ghost grandpa. He tells Joshua to concentrate which makes him pass out and turn into a goblin? What a twist! All the goblins are running in the house now. Run George Hardy! Whip them with that belt you tightened! Bah. This film has weird cuts sometimes. I guess Joshua didn’t turn into a goblin. I have no idea what happened. He appears to be in that crazy lady’s house. Back to George Hardy and company beating up goblins which is fun and then back to Joshua. Oh shit! A goblin grabbed him! Thank goodness! Ghost grandpa saved him! And he gives him…a bookbag which he can’t remember the contents of until the time is right. Gramps says Joshua must touch Stonehenge. Not sure what that will do. The goblins have the family surrounded in the house. Oh good. I hope they die.

Lol, the one guy is covered in popcorn now and the only thing he can say is, “No more popcorn.” That sums up this movie well. Ghost grandpa must leave Joshua now. I guess he’s joining Spinal Tap. Oh shit, crazy lady and the goblins have Joshua now. Thanks, grandpa Seth! You useless old bastard! Feed Joshua that weird green food! Oh no! Joshua has a double decker bologna sandwich in his bag! The goblin’s worst nightmare! They hate meat! Now it is up to the power of goodness to stop the monsters! I believe! Hallelujah! Believe in George Hardy! Lol, a goblin comically fell to his death. Another one had his eyes blow up. So many dead goblins! Good triumphs! Time to get the fuck out of Nilbog! Finally, they arrive back home. I hope there isn’t a twist ending. That only works on Goosebumps. Good lord, it ended with the mom eating an apple and then goblins ate her. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Final thoughts

This film is pretty terrible. I can’t say I suggest watching it. It is bad. It has redeeming qualities. Some parts are funny. The acting can be pretty excruciating, but hilarious. The dialogue is poor. The story is total shit. It’s not so bad it is good. It’s just play bad. You only need to see two scenes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OiD6IlBmtk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdTBIQDPZt4

 

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9 thoughts on “Halloween Havoc 2013 Day 2: Troll 2

  1. Haha, I’m always happy to see someone else experience the amazingly awful crapfest that is Troll 2. It’s really terrible, but I can’t help but enjoy it, and yet hate it at the same time.

    I remember reading a while ago that it was written/directed by an Italian couple, and they hired an all-Italian crew with an American cast. No one could understand each other, and the director insisted that the bad English lines be read exactly how he wrote them, creating a lot of the horribly awkward dialogue.

    The laughable actors and crappy goblin costumes didn’t help either.

    Great review!
    -Andrew

    • That dialogue is going to give me nightmares tonight. I think I remember reading that the director still thinks this is a really good movie. I haven’t watched the documentary on the film, so maybe that would answer some of my questions about what the hell happened during the making of this movie. I would have loved to have been on the set of this film during production. I’m imaging total chaos. Thanks for reading!

      • My pleasure buddy!

        I’m with you, it must’ve been a total circus.

        I actually wanted to buy this movie to show my friends in a good laughfest, but the cult following has the price tag relatively high for such a bad film!

        Keep up the fun reviews!

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